I'm going to take about five minutes to talk to you this evening about how to write an effective personal ad. An ad that's going to get you some calls -- maybe get you lucky, because that is the goal after all. Yeah, we've all seen the ads that say friendship leading to possible LTR -- that means long term relationship, not letter of recommendation -- and I appreciate the sentiment of friendship. Because there's nothing better than having a good friend. But you have enough friends, that's not the reason you're taking out this ad. You don't need another person to sob to at midnight about how you can't get a date. I know my friends are sick to death of it.

So let's examine this business of advertising for yourself, because that's what we're doing after all. We're telling people who we are in thirty words or so. We do this in a few ways. One we tell people about ourselves, two we tell potential mates what we're looking for in them, and three we outline our expectations.

First of all, it's not necessary to say you like going to the movies and out to dinner. I see this in a lot of ads, but to me that's a lot like saying you like sleeping, breathing and watching TV. Everyone likes to go to the movies and eat out, though it's never clear from these ads who is going to pay. While these interests might put you in the same category as most people and increase the odds of commonality, they don't say anything unique about you.

Let's face it, when dealing with lesbians your ad also needn't include information like: I'm a vegetarian, I love the Indigo Girls, I'm in recovery, Scully is hot, or even I celebrate Wiccan festivals. Again, in our world, this is like eating and breathing and it goes without saying. More helpful information would include listing your hobbies or character traits.

Phrases like," I practice taxidermy," would catch my eye. Or "if my plane went down in the Andes I would let you eat me first." That's pretty darn romantic, don't you think? How about my perennial favorite, "I am rich, beautiful, generous and desperate to support someone." Remember this is the only time you should mention desperation.

This type of thing in your ad reveals something about your character that admitting to common bodily functions doesn't. It's like the difference between saying I can read, and I like to read.

I know I appreciate some physical description in an ad. No one wants to admit publicly to shallowness, but dating is about attraction, and there are some people you're not going to be attracted to. I answered an ad once and went out with someone who had forgotten to mention over the phone that she was in the middle of a sex change operation. It was the darndest thing sitting there wondering why she looked like a cross between my brother and Joni Mitchell. So you see how more description of her particular bodily type would have been helpful in this case?

Be honest. If you're overweight, or have a peg leg and an eye patch, just say it. It's going to come out sooner or later, and you may as well put it out there and find someone who's really interested in who you are. I think this is the area where the butch and femme information comes in handy, too. Which are you and to what degree? Are you a soft butch or a femme top? Do you require a lipstick femme or do you want a jockstrap butch? Are you a switchhitter?

There is nothing more frustrating than two femmes on a date when neither of them can make a move. Same with butches. All that wrestling for position can get tiring. Years ago, Joanne Loulan, who wrote the Joy of Lesbian Sex , was big on this one to ten rating system for butch and femme -- one being femme and ten being butch. For anyone who understands this system, you could always use it in your ad. I'm a three or I'm an eight are very descriptive. Of course, it's only fair to admit that Joanne is now dating a man, so that makes her what ... a two? But enough about Hasbeans, as we like to call them.

So you've talked about yourself a little now. Remember, you only have about one sentence. Now you want to say something about who you're looking for. It seems that people often don't know what they like, but they sure know what they don't like. No smoking, no drinking, no substance abuse, no Chia Pets, you know the drill, you've seen it. I think it's more positive to try to figure out what you do like than to write out a litany of dislikes. "Air signs turn me on," is better than, "absolutely no Scorpios." If you must admit to liking movies, at least list some you've actually enjoyed and hope your potential partner liked as well. Something like, "How about that bludegeoning scene in Heavenly Creatures ?" Of course, not everyone is aroused by stories about obsessive schoolgirls who kill their mother, but you can give it a try.

Phrases like, "Motorcycles are a plus," or "love of softball is a must," are good positive descriptions, too. "I own an EpiLady and expect you to use it," also says a lot about your needs in a partner. If you think about it, you do know what you want and like. Just spit it out.

So they know who you are, and if they fit your description of needs you have one more sentence to outline your expectations. Why is it that lesbians rarely refer to sex in their personal ads? I mean, men say "hot, hung and horny." Women say "conversation leading to possible date, leading to possible relationship."

Why so tentative? I mean, if bed death is the number one bummer in our little segment of the population, there's no point in starting out a relationship resigned to conversation. Now that I think of it, this might be why mentioning a love of eating and seeing movies ends up being so important. Because six months after your relationship begins you're probably going to spend all your time in bed with vegetarian TV dinners watching Fried Green Tomatos .

But here in Santa Fe, our little new age capital, we all believe that positive affirmations will create positive lifestyles. No one is hoping for a sexless existence, are they? So putting it out there that you're willing and able is an important step to finding your secret love match. Lay that crystal pendulum over your second chakra while you write your ad and contemplate the real reason you're doing this.

Are you feeling the life force opening? Are you feeling sensuous? It's okay to admit. You all ran out to see Bound, after all, and got hot and bothered by Gina Gershon, and God knows she couldn't make enough conversation to activate the Clapper in a medical emergency.

Okay, so you do want sex. Is it kinky or vanilla? Do you have a set of manacles mounted to the headboard, a large lingerie collection from Victoria's Secret or Winnie the Pooh sheets? I myself am kind of a talker. Phone sex really does it for me at the outset, and then there's that pirate fantasy of course -- but perhaps I'm revealing too much here.

It's scary to admit because as the frighteningly accurate cliche reminds us, one sexual encounter with another woman usually leads to the moving van at your door the next day, and you might not have your video membership up to date.

Again, you want to be positive about how you mention sex in your ad. "You be the leather, I'll be the lace," will get a better response than, "I have not had sex in years. Please call me, please." If you like schtick you might be able to get away with, "I'm hot, I'm alone, and boy are my arms tired." Whatever you decide to say however, remember there's no shame in admitting to your needs and desires. If you came out to your parents, how hard can this be?

So, let's sum this up. You're writing an advertisement. You reveal a little about yourself. You describe your ideal partner. You mention that sex is on your mind. That's pretty much it.

Let's try one for practice.

If Ellen DeGeneres had written and ad before she met Anne Heche what would it have said? I imagine something like this:

SWF with successful, cutting edge sitcom, huge loafer collection and personal trainer. ISO lithe, bisexual with less personality than I have and a desire to forward her career through a national coming-out campaign. I'm on TV, so let's just cut to the chase on the sex stuff. Have your agent call my agent and we'll set up a meeting.

After all this you're probably wondering, who am I to give you this kind of advice? Do I have a girlfriend? Do I even have very many dates? Have I ever had a successful relationship that's lasted for more than a year? Well, not really. But those who can't do teach. And those who can't teach, teach P.E. But that's another lesbian subject we don't have time for. Thanks a lot and happy hunting.

How to Write a Personal Ad © Suzanne Rush 2001 - Talk given at a personals party in Santa Fe, NM.